We chose this topic because we speak to women who are married to narcissists, and they know it, but they will spend the first 20 minutes explaining why they can't leave.
It's not that they don't want to leave, but they have been conditioned and beaten down to the point where they think the abuser is right when he makes "promises," which are just baseless threats. Some of them may sound familiar:
You are crazy. I'm going to show everyone how crazy you are.
No one will believe you.
If you do this, I'm going to take the kids. The court will give me full custody.
That is my [house, bank account, car, pension, 401k]. If you do this, you will walk away with nothing.
I never wanted to be married to you, and no one will want you.
We can make a much longer list (and so can you, I'm sure), but I want to emphasize that we are not therapists or psychiatrists here. We do have a list of therapists who treat this specific disorder, and we are happy to make a referral. We are speaking in layman's terms in general.
What your narcissist doesn't understand is that this is a legal proceeding. It is highly unlikely that any of the nasty, brainwashing things he is saying are relevant at all in a court of law. This is a no-fault state, and the Court is not interested in character slandering. The cold, hard fact is that a divorce proceeding is about the division of assets and debts, spousal maintenance (alimony) and child support, and parental responsibility.
Regarding children, that is when malingering becomes a concern in a divorce proceeding. However, do not fear. A good attorney will talk to you about a CFI or a PRE. Both evaluate each party's fitness as a parent, and in my experience, they are very savvy when it comes to narcissists. A concern that I hear quite a bit is, "My husband is so charming and charismatic. Anyone would believe him." So that is the rub for the narcissist who is saying all the right things and is so confident and believable: they are way too happy to see the opposing party's attorney or parental evaluator.
Look, no one likes divorce attorneys; it's okay, we understand. But narcissists are thrilled to hear from me! They are happy I called! They can't wait to run you into the ground, and they think they are so smart they will talk their way into me disliking my client. We take a small amount of cases because we get to know our clients well. We call ourselves the "Wolf Pack" because we protect our own. So when Mr. Charming starts his bit, I already know what he will tell me. Narcissists are very predictable. It is not a psychological diagnosis, but my Senior Paralegal, Stephanie, and I laugh because right away, we can pick up when we are dealing with a narcissist. A good parental evaluator knows that, too.
What is a CFI or a PRE? That is a good question, and I will be writing a blog shortly, giving you that information. In the meantime, please feel free to give us a call, and we can talk about it. Our consultations are always free, and there is no obligation or sales pitch. We are honored to help victims of abuse get on their feet, remember who they are, and become the women they were meant to be.
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